|out of the dark
||[Oct. 6th, 2008|04:07 am]
Spikey Hair Boy
I think I finally woke up today.
The past month or so has been a fog of sadness that just engulfed me in such a bad way. I made the decision today that I need to completely push her out of my life in order to get better because she has been a big part of the downward path my mind took the past month. I can't keep trying to make myself into something I am not for her, trying to make it better, trying to be her friend, trying to convince myself that it's okay for her to treat me this way. I realize that I made mistakes, but, after much talking with my closest friends, I have to push her out completely to get myself better. And maybe Angie is right when she said, when it's time, you'll know when you can let her back into your world.
My brain basically exploded and imploded and then shut me off to the world. My closest friends know this about me but I have a huge fear of mental disease which was even making the depression worse. I completely shut down and went numb to everything. I was going through motions, pushing my friends away, not talking to anyone, just not being me. My brain was consumed with transitioning thoughts, a gender crisis, my new found turning of 30, my gf leaving me, massively getting sick with pneumonia and going damn near broke from all that.....it was all just too much.
I forced myself to go over to my friend's house on Friday night for dinner with the girls on my softball team that I am closest to. They were worried about me, not pressing me for answers or reasons for my disapearence, but they are my friends so they know when something isn't right. I laughed that night while we were watching a movie. It was the first time I laughed and actually meant it, not just a numb motion, in almost a month. I think they realized this too and had me come back over the next day and I ended up spending most of the day hanging out over there with Rachel, Cindy, and Jennah. I woke up today and had a long talk with my roommate about everything. She voiced her concerns and I respected each thing, some of which was hard to hear but needed. I then told her that I would appreciate it if, since my ex-gf is a friend of hers too, the ex wasn't at our house for a while until I say it's okay. I expected that to be a problem, however, V(my roommate)completely said it's okay, that she won't discuss me with the ex, and that she thinks it's the healthiest decision I've made in a while.
I really want to get back to being happy, genuinely happy. Perhaps coming out of the dark is the first step.